Tomorrows

I think I might be a failed blogger... or at least on the way to becoming one if I don't do something quick. It's funny how life just moves so fast. Fast enough that when I say I'll do it "tomorrow" enough, those "tomorrows" turn into weeks... maybe months... maybe longer.

You see... some things (like grading papers, taking down the bulletin boards, planning the fall festival, prepping the art project, doing the laundry, dusting the house, mopping the floors...) can be put off. Other things (like intentionally investing in the lives of family and friends, taking time to read the bible, spending time talking with God, writing a letter to someone needing encouragement, volunteering to help make a meal for someone in need...) cannot be put off.

So why is it, that the things that are of most importance are the things I let go of first? I hear myself offering all sorts of excuses like, "but I'm just so drained," and "I just don't have an ounce left to give," and "It's so much easier to just do nothing," and "I need a little extra sleep."

And the more I look at those excuses, the more certain I am that those aren't healthy "self-speak" conversations.

So I guess that requires change, and change is hard.

I was reading Psalm 63 today, and right under the title of the Psalm I had underlined this little part that said "A Psalm of David, When he was in the wilderness of Judah." Huh. I bet David was feeling a little drained... maybe like he had nothing left to give... maybe like it would be easier to just jump in his nothing box and exist. But this is what he wrote:

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

It seems like David had it figured out. I'd like to depend on God like David did. So I guess that's where I'll start. Lord, may my heart and soul thirst for you, faint for you... because you are the only source that will satisfy. This world has nothing that will quench my thirst but you.

P.S. On a completely unrelated note, last Wednesday was picture day. I had NO idea that picture day was celebrated as a national holiday in first grade, did you? Those little first graders came in the cutest clothes, with their faces wiped and their hair slicked back, some had ties and suit coats, some had dresses and curled hair. (If the goal was to capture what they look like on a day-to-day basis, the goal was not accomplished. They looked nothing like they usually do.) And then we had gym... and art... and recess... and lunch... and pictures. Note for next year: pack a tide to go pen, some combs, and a spray bottle for picture day next year if I'd like to avoid tears and chaos. I guess this is the true journey of a first year teacher...

Jack couldn't wait to share his writing with me today. Now I can't wait to share it with you.

Just in case you haven't been reading first grade written material lately... here is the translation, read to me by quiet, sweet, 6-year old Jack...

Mrs. Wobbema is the best teacher in the whole wide world. She teaches our class really good! We listen to the teacher.

And this is why I teach. :) Not because I think I'm the best teacher in the whole wide world... because we all know that isn't true. But because Jack and 22 other kids need to see a glimpse of Jesus. Not that I'm good at that either. But hey... I'm trying. :)

Loving God includes loving people. You've got to love both. - 1 John 4:21

Have I mentioned that I love teaching? :)

Apples & To-Do Lists

I have a million thoughts running through my head by the end of the day. A million. I think I mean that in the literal sense. If only I could follow through with some of these thoughts to completion... fill out the paperwork, document the behavior, create a word work station, get guided reading books, put wake-up work on desks for the morning, write the newsletter, create the calendar, prep the art project, submit the bus request, call the parent, figure out why he's late, understand why she's not talking, decide what intervention to try next, etc. etc. etc.

I am a list maker, and it is beyond frustrating that I can never get to the bottom of my list. Will this be possible eventually? I am starting to doubt.

It occurred to me today that at one point in my college career, I actually thought that part of being a teacher meant creating elaborate and aesthetically pleasing bulletin boards. Wishful thinking maybe. In fact... I think even going into this first year of teaching I thought that might happen. Funny... but the bulletin board in my classroom that reads, "Mrs. Wobbema's Pick of the Season" with a giant apple tree & individual apples with student names on them is starting to grow on me. I may never change it. Maybe I'll add leaves soon... then snow... then spring flowers. Or maybe it will just be a lonely green apple tree all year long.

The internal "plan" I had going into the school year was:

Day 1: Organize my classroom

Day 2: Decorate my classroom

Day 3: Plan math for the entire year

Day 4: Plan reading for the entire year

Day 5: Plan & create all art projects for the entire year

Day 6: Plan social studies & science for the entire year

Day 7-25: Enjoy the rest of summer vacation.

(Maybe it wasn't quite that dramatic... but still...)

Instead, I am still organizing, decorating, planning, planning, planning, and creating. Every time I turn around there are more things on my list.

But then I try to see the light in the midst of what feels heavy. (Note: I said try.)

And considering everything I think about these days seems to be linked to Apples (Back to School, Johnny Appleseed Day, bulletin boards, art projects, etc.) - these verses seemed especially applicable...

We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul - not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable. (Colossians 1:10-11)

I'm just guessing that the Lord's intent is not that I would be so consumed with teaching and school that it causes me to forget His purpose for my life. The minute I forget my purpose, the minute I start to rely on my own strength. Then, my life will just get messy. So instead, I am just going to start taking my own notes... How do you work, God? The more I know this, the more I will learn how to do my own work.

I've Never Been So Tired

I was hired on Friday, August 6th, 2010 as a first grade teacher. I signed my contract the following Monday, frantically set things up in my room, organized and rearranged, attended teacher inservice and workshops... and started school on August 31. A mere 25 days later. I went from "substitute teacher" to "first grade teacher." It all happened that fast.

I have never been so tired in my entire life. I mean, really... I thought I was tired in high school. Getting to school by 8:05, leaving 7 1/2 entire hours later after having a mere 25 minute lunch break and only ONE study hall, if that. I had from 3:30 to bed to finish a little homework, attend a student council meeting, practice violin or piano or what-have-you, etc. etc. Not to mention developing my reputation and having time with friends. How exhausting.

Then came college. Even though I only had 3-4 classes a day, I had SO much studying to do. Work, exercise, studying, class, time with friends... what an exhausting schedule. It was hard work to sit in class and take notes, pay attention, and really learn something.

And then I started teaching.

I get to school before 7am some days. I work frantically to get as much done as I can before kids come at 8:05. I spend my lunch hour grading papers, my prep hour cleaning up the mess in my room, and the class periods making sure 23 six and seven year olds are learning as much as they possibly can... because ultimately my name goes on their transcript. I am responsible.

I spend hours and hours after school planning the most strategic lessons, only to realize that when 23 first graders are involved, there is never a perfect strategy.

I go to sleep thinking about my student that told me he hadn't had supper the night before or breakfast the morning of. Or trying to figure out the little one who awkwardly flails his arms or grapevines down the hallway when we walk to any different part of the building. Or the girl who started crying and wouldn't talk when I asked her high and low of the day. Or the boy who told me he thought he was a loser and that it was OK as long as he wasn't in middle school. Or the boy who crawled up on the sink to start washing his hands and the next time I looked over he had his entire head under the water. Or the boy who drew a picture of his mom on one side of the paper, his dad on the other, and him in the middle with incredibly long stretching arms joining the two, and then telling me his writing story was a very sad one to tell.

I try to figure out how I can meet their needs, show them they are loved, communicate to them that they are valued, and then somehow teach them to read and write at or above grade level.

I try to be a loving wife that does laundry and makes dinner and washes the dishes when I get home from a PTA meeting after a long day at school.

And in the end, I have to remember that I may try as hard as I can... but Jesus is the one who is the healer of all broken things. Sometimes I feel broken, sometimes my students are broken, but God is never broken. He is perfect and sustains all life. I don't need to be in control, because He is in control. I can be tired, and that is ok.

And in recognition of that... I can sleep in peace.